Seriously, I really just don't know how much more I can take. It's 6:27 and I've been officially up for about 45 minutes, after having never gotten more than probably 30 minutes of sleep here and there throughout the night. The baby's congestion is off the charts. This child has either been "sick" essentially his whole life, or has had severe allergies his whole life. Either way, there apparently is nothing I can do for him. Every feeding is a struggle, sleep is restless at best, and I seriously have to contemplate WHY breastfeeding is such a difficulty for us. I initially felt so blessed that we could finally succeed after having such a rough road with Tyler, but is this really success? I don't feel like it.
Sorry for the long whiny rant, but I'm tired. I just want to sleep, and I just want my baby to cuddle up with me and sleep with me, but instead he just kicks me and pushes and cries. But to put him in his crib or pack-n-play would be guaranteed to be a tearful fit. Believe me, I've tried. I can't win.
Please don't tell me to be thankful for what I have. I am thankful. I know enough to know that I should be blessed for what I DO have, because many people would give an arm and a leg for this. I just somehow have to wonder what it would be like to have that cuddly, calm, peaceful child you hear about. You know, one of those ones that just eats, sleeps, and poops. I wouldn't mind the screaming and crying and the lack of sleeping so much, if you could just sprinkle in some more of "normal" eating, sleeping, and pooping. And I wish I could somehow take away the self-doubt. Like I said, I do feel very blessed. It's not always this bad for us (and thank god for his smiles), but when it gets this bad I blame myself. That's what this really all comes down to. Because really, aren't we as moms supposed to be able to make it all better? I can't eat practially ANYTHING already and am miserable, but despite all that, my child is STILL struggling. What else can I do? The guilt is overwhelming, especially now as I just sit here and listen to him scream, because really, I don't know what else to do.
Sorry, I just need sleep. It's not a good feeling to start off a Friday when you feel like you never got an official "start" to Friday because Thursday never ended, and at 6:39 AM have everyone in the house up crying already (Jason was crying, Tyler woke up and started crying when I told him he needed to stay in his room until the sun came up, and now I am crying).
Signing off....
Fall Semester 2018
2 years ago
3 comments:
I somewhat know what you are feeling. Within 2 weeks after Jillian was born, we found out she had colic. Sleep till this day, has not been a smooth one. For the first 8 months to a year of her life, it was bits and pieces of sleep, sleeping a bit during the day which was useless to me with another child that was awake, etc. She's 4 now and only since the summer, has it seemed that she is getting...But she is still so very restless. And even when you have a good night or few, that one completely sleepness night negates everything you felt you were making progress with...I'll be thinking of you!
(((HUGS)))
Well now I am crying... It can not be easy doing this alone. I feel for you. You are a strong woman and God only gives us what we can handle. Look on the bright side you have documented all of this...When the boys get older (much older...kids of thier own older)and they start to complain about how rough things are let them read your blogs. Hang in there dont beat yourslef up it will all work out. Miss you guys
big hugs from Jersey for you
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