a quote to make you laugh

Today, as we were driving home from Walgreens, Tyler and I were going back and forth about whom loved each other more (if you have ever read "Guess how much I love you" you'll know what I mean). I'd say "I love you to the moon" and he'd say "I love you to the moon and back" or something like that. This comment took the cake though...

"I love you all the way up to Uranus".

And, yes, he pronounced it "your anus", not a "short a" sound (is that the right terminology?...oh the elementary school English lessons seem so far away).

Oh, come on, don't tell me I'm the only one that thinks that's funny?!?!

regrouping

First off, I'd like to apologize for you having to witness my temper tantrum this morning. I tend to get a tad bit over dramatic when I'm over-tired and stressed...

Lots of little things have been adding up around here that have contributed to my bad mood. Want a brief sampling?

Obviously there is the lack of sleep and constant back ache from holding the babe.

There is my inability to eat anything that appeals to me (and since I'm being honest, I tend to self-medicate with food, especially when I'm stressed).

There is the house that is getting messier and messier by the day, and sadly, clutter and mess stress me out.

There is the overwhelming pile of mail that has only increased since coming back from NJ, which wouldn't be so stressful if it weren't for the fact that I know there are some pressing matters to deal with within that pile. I kid you not, the pile is more than a foot high. Well, actually it's now 2 piles since the original foot+ pile started to topple. LOL.

Obviously all of Jason's medical issues.

And Tyler had a dentist appointment on Wednesday, and the poor kid has a cavity. He acquired my cavity-destined teeth. The dentist said it would be nearly impossible to keep him from getting more cavities, based on how his teeth are shaped. Fun, fun.

Al called and it's highly unlikely that he'll be coming home when originally scheduled.

And last, but certainly not least, there is my mom. She had her appointment on Tuesday and she'll be having surgery on February 17th. They'll be removing 2cm in each direction of the mole, which will then require a skin graft. They will also be testing lymph nodes and will hopefully determine that they don't need to do anything more. Of course only time will tell, but we're obviously hoping for the best. At the very least she'll be in pain and will require about 2 weeks off of work (she's still currently out anyway due to her knee). Please continue to keep her in your prayers.

BUT...

The baby and I napped this morning (which explains why I'm wide awake at 1:20am), and that put things in a better light.

He napped this afternoon.

I was able to get some cleaning done.

And he got a cute new cloth diaper in the mail (feel no need to tell me how ridiculous I sound..I am well aware).

Tyler and I were able to eat all our meals together.

And I got to take a walk and got the boys to the playground. I also determined that Jason doesn't despise his stroller, just if I put the baby carrier (carseat) in the stroller. Good to know.


Now if I could just get Jason to stay asleep (no lie, I've been in to "nurse" him 10+ times since he went to "bed" at around 7:45) I'd be much happier. Off to spend some quality time with him, as he's awake yet again.

at my breaking point

Seriously, I really just don't know how much more I can take. It's 6:27 and I've been officially up for about 45 minutes, after having never gotten more than probably 30 minutes of sleep here and there throughout the night. The baby's congestion is off the charts. This child has either been "sick" essentially his whole life, or has had severe allergies his whole life. Either way, there apparently is nothing I can do for him. Every feeding is a struggle, sleep is restless at best, and I seriously have to contemplate WHY breastfeeding is such a difficulty for us. I initially felt so blessed that we could finally succeed after having such a rough road with Tyler, but is this really success? I don't feel like it.

Sorry for the long whiny rant, but I'm tired. I just want to sleep, and I just want my baby to cuddle up with me and sleep with me, but instead he just kicks me and pushes and cries. But to put him in his crib or pack-n-play would be guaranteed to be a tearful fit. Believe me, I've tried. I can't win.

Please don't tell me to be thankful for what I have. I am thankful. I know enough to know that I should be blessed for what I DO have, because many people would give an arm and a leg for this. I just somehow have to wonder what it would be like to have that cuddly, calm, peaceful child you hear about. You know, one of those ones that just eats, sleeps, and poops. I wouldn't mind the screaming and crying and the lack of sleeping so much, if you could just sprinkle in some more of "normal" eating, sleeping, and pooping. And I wish I could somehow take away the self-doubt. Like I said, I do feel very blessed. It's not always this bad for us (and thank god for his smiles), but when it gets this bad I blame myself. That's what this really all comes down to. Because really, aren't we as moms supposed to be able to make it all better? I can't eat practially ANYTHING already and am miserable, but despite all that, my child is STILL struggling. What else can I do? The guilt is overwhelming, especially now as I just sit here and listen to him scream, because really, I don't know what else to do.

Sorry, I just need sleep. It's not a good feeling to start off a Friday when you feel like you never got an official "start" to Friday because Thursday never ended, and at 6:39 AM have everyone in the house up crying already (Jason was crying, Tyler woke up and started crying when I told him he needed to stay in his room until the sun came up, and now I am crying).

Signing off....

I should leave it to the professionals

I don't know why I insist on playing photographer. I have no photography skills, nor a professional camera. But, my reasons for playing photographer yesterday were many: Al ASKED for pictures (and I don't think I've ever heard him ask for pictures), Jason was about to outgrow his cute shorts that matched Tyler's shirt, and I just always like taking pictures! My photography shoot didn't go as well as planned. And I still had to make good on my bribe to take the boys on a trip to Sonic (which was well played on my part anyway since I wanted a slushie...my dairy-free alternative to ice cream).

fingers

Jason just loves munching on those fingers! Too bad they don't pacify him enough to get him to sleep!

more milestones

I forgot to mention this...on Saturday night, when we went out to eat at Ruby Tuesday, Jason sat in a high chair! Only for a few minutes, but it got us a few bites of food without a little one in our lap. He's the only chid I know who HATES his infant seat. And I do mean HATES!

Even more exciting, today he rolled belly to back! We were on the floor, logging in some "tummy time" when suddenly he rolled while trying to reach for his ball. He cried, which isn't the response I expected from him, but i guess he was a bit surprised.

He spent a good portion of the afternoon trying to roll the other way. No further rolling incidents of any sort.

travelling

Yesterday we went to visit my grandparents in the Sarasota area. Tyler was so excited to see them, as he hadn't been to their "Florida house" since, I believe, early May. We had a nice lunch and visit, followed by some orange picking, and topped off with a trip to the grove (ice cream place)!

Oh, and happy 4 months to my little Jason.


Some photos of the day:






The day would not have been complete without SOME sort of medical issue. As you know, Jason had been "sick". His cough was getting worse and worse and he'd often cough so much he'd have trouble catching his breath and it would keep him from getting rest. While we were at my grandparents we noticed his hands and feet were purple so I began to worry about his circulation. When we got back I decided to take him to a pediatric urgent care center, since the regular urgent care center made a few comments about how he really needed the benefit of equipment made for his size. We got there and the nurse was surprised with his cough. The doctor heard it once and immediately said that they'd likely be doing a chest x-ray. However, after they did all their diagnostic stuff they determined, yet again, that the cough is not in his lungs. I'm thrilled that he's okay, but it is very frustrating to know when to take this cough seriously when even the doctor thought it SOUNDED bad enough to warrant an x-ray. Ugh. One of the questions he asked was whether he had any vomiting or diarrhea. I mentioned how he had had blood in his very mucousy stool the other day (twice), as well as blood tinged spit-up numerous times(this started on, I believe, Friday). I told him though that it's been happening off and on for a while but had ceased for at least a month. He asked what had been done about it and I replied that I had been told various things as to whether it was okay. He immediately said "sounds like a protein allergy". I mentioned the milk allergy and the potential nut allergy, and he seemed fairly certain that this was the cause of the blood (apparently it can take a while to get out of their system). He said (unlike what I had been told) that blood in the diaper that is red would NOT be from my own bleeding. It is however possible that the blood in his spit-up is from the frequent nasal suctioning. So, I guess that is some affirmation that allergies are a major issue for Jason, as sucky as that is. Good news is, Jason vomited quite a bit this morning which seemed to get up some of the mucus and seems to be a little more comfortable.

Today Tyler had school and he was sad to be apart from his mom-mom, so we decided to all pick him up after school and have a lunch date. He picked Dairy Queen. We played a bit this afternoon, and Tyler and mom-mom shared a few oranges (a special tradition they share). At dinner-time we took off for the airport. My boys (and myself) were both very sad to see her go!

arrival in Tampa

On Friday night my mom arrived in Tampa. Not just my mom, but superbowl as well. We drove home from the airport behind a GINORMOUS Coors Light football. I have to say, that was a first!

Tyler had napped that day (only because my mom was coming, I assure you) so he was able to stay up late to play. He took out almost all his toys and they had fun. He was up bright and early (or should I say, dark and early, since it was about 5:00AM). We didn't do anything overly excited, but did fit in some playground time and then went to Ruby Tuesday for dinner. It was a nice day!

growing up..

Jason is getting to be so big. I can hardly believe he's not my little tiny baby anymore!

He can be quite the little smiler. Chances are, if he's not screaming, he's smiling at someone!

He's tolerating a bit more tummy time, especially if he's distracted by something fun to look at (this time it was a blanket, courtesy of my previous WebMD friends).

He's starting to get a bit more balance and will sit for a second or two before totally tipping over. He likes to be propped up in his boppy to "sit", but normally ends up like this: just chillin'

He's VERY oral. Tyler was NEVER an oral kid. Only food and pacifiers passed those lips. Jason wants to put everything in his mouth. Well, everything EXCEPT a pacifier (I think I own every pacifier on the market).

He REALLY wants to roll!

message to mom-mom

Tyler helped me make this video today to my mom to cheer her up. It's rather silly, but i thought I'd post it anyway, complete with Jason's spit-up and all!



Here are 2 snapshots I took from the video as well. I don't think I actually have a real photo of both boys smiling together!


I'd also like to add a quick funny. If you watch the video you'll hear Tyler doing a rather odd rendition of "baa baa black sheep". Since I laughed at this version, he insisted on going around the house singing the song in various silly ways, usually just changing up some words or syllables. I wish I had kept video rolling. My personal favorite, which of course he had no idea what he was saying, included the line "one for the bastard, one for the dame".

prayer request

I know I have a lot of friends who are good at praying, so I have a prayer request.

Today I called my mom and I knew she sounded "off". I asked what was wrong. She was obviously attempting to hide something. Then I remembered that last week she had had a mole on her leg biopsied. I asked if she got the results back. Bingo. Apparently she has melanoma, which if you don't know about it, feel free to read here. They ran some blood work and did a chest x-ray and she will be seeing a specialist on Tuesday for them to test (I believe) her liver and lymph nodes. I hope to be back soon with good news and hopefully they caught this very early!

I did ask permission from my mom first to post this, as she hasn't told people yet, and she did say it was okay because none of her friends or anything obviously read my blog. Mom, if I did get any of this information wrong, please let me know and I'll correct it. Obviously I was sort of in a state of shock when the information came.

The good news is that her therapists (yes, she's still in therapy for her knee, and making slow but steady progress) that she could come here for the weekend! She had booked a flight months ago when Spirit had some really cheap fares, but up until now she wasn't sure she'd be able to come being that she has to be strapped to a CPM machine (to help bend her knee continually) for many hours a day. Well, looks like she's coming. I think it will be a nice break for us all!

finally

After 6 hrs and 45 minutes since his last nap, Jason is finally asleep. Keep your fingers crossed.

you've got to be kidding me

I am so fed up with feeding issues with this child. SOOOOOOOOOO fed up. As you know, I can't eat dairy. And when I say I can't eat dairy, I mean I can't eat ANY dairy. Any idea how much stuff has dairy in it? No ice cream, cheese, milk, butter, cream, crackers, cookies, cake, many cereals, prepackaged frozen skillet dinners, pancakes, waffles, breads, CHOCOLATE, etc. I'm struggling, majorly. Some of the stuff can be made specially with dairy-free ingredients, but I just don't have the time right now.

So, as you know, I was questioning whether this new round of Jason's illness was allergy related. I was hoping not, because I'm already not eating dairy, but the symptoms all seemed the same. I thought back to what I had been eating a lot of, and the answer was peanuts. I was eating ritz crackers with peanut butter and jelly every day for lunch, and sometimes dinner, because I just didn't have anything else in the house that was appealing to me. I was also having handfuls of honey roasted peanuts. I had NOT been having nut products while I was in NJ. I figured it was a long shot, but it couldn't hurt to take it out of my diet and see. It usually takes about 24 hours for it to get to bothering him, and then another 24 hours to get out of his system. After finding out that Tyler had bronchitis, I figured Jason MUST truly be sick, so I went back to the peanut products last night. Last night he did MUCH better and the congestion had almost completely gone away and he slept well (for him anyway). He also napped in the swing this morning and was happy. Almost 24 hours after reintroducing the peanut products, he's completely congested again and MISERABLE. He had blood in his diaper this evening, won't go to bed tonight, wont' settle down, etc.

I really don't even care enough to research this right now, but it just seems so bizarre that he'd develop an allergy now to the nuts, but I suppose its' possible when I'm eating so much of them. I'm just frustrated because it's yet another thing that I THINK bothers him, and I have to wonder if he wouldn't just be better on hypoallergenic formula. I seem to hurt him everytime I eat ANYTHING. Not to mention, this is making me feel totally paranoid...I mean it seems bizarre for him to be bothered by so many things and I can't help but wonder if its' just in my head. Of course the blood in diaper is NOT in my head, but I suppose that could be due to him nursing so much recently (he pulls off constantly because he can't breathe) so maybe I'm having some bleeding? I don't think so though, but who knows. It also seems odd that Tyler has all the symptoms of illness, but they insisted Jason had no fluid in his ears, no irritation, nothign in his lungs, no fever, etc. Plus, Jason had been having green mucuousy diapers again, which says allergy to me, NOT a cold. But then again, what do I know?

Oddly enough, my excema on my eyelid came back. I swear I'm bothered by something too. I just wish I could figure this out before I give up on the breastfeeding process.

Right now he's screaming in his swing. I know i should be holding him, but he was screaming when I held him too, and I just can't keep holding him....

personal space

The other day Tyler had gotten a bit hyper and silly and was very "in my face" singing and laughing. Finally I asked him to calm down and I asked him if he knew what "personal space" was. Of course he didn't, so I tried to explain the concept of an imaginary bubble around someone and you don't want to enter someones personal space if it bothers them.

Fast forward to today and I come out to the living room after nursing Jason to find Tyler putting on his PJ's (the boy loves his PJs). I ran over and scooped him up and started tickling him and squeezing him. Through laughter he announces "stop mommy, you're invading my imaginary bubble". Then he asked me to do it again. That child never ceases to entertain me.

Heigh-ho, heigh-ho

it's back to the pediatrician we go...(bear with me, long and boring post ahead...feel free to skip it)

So, only 4 days back at preschool and both of my boys are sick again.

You all knew about Jason. He has a cold and is pretty unhappy, but no fever or anything so I wasn't convinced I should have him seen. He's been spitting up a lot more, which is hopefully just congestion, but is still eating (even if it is small amounts, VERY often) and seems to be hydrated. However, because he's a baby and can't tell me what's wrong I finally called the pediatrician yesterday, due to the yellow mucus, but unfortunately the ever-so-annoying clinic was closed.

Meanwhile Tyler had a bit of a runny nose and a cough, but nothing that I was concerned about. After Daddy left yesterday Tyler actually fell asleep during his rest time, which should have been my first clue that something was wrong. After his nap I put Jason in the carrier and took off for the playground as I had promised Tyler. Not even 2 minutes later he announced he wasn't feeling well and wanted to come home. When we got home he went to get a snack and said his throat hurt when he tried to eat. So, I called his pediatrician (civilian doctor's office, different than Jason's) and they were able to see him first thing this morning.

Last night I tried to get some sleep. Even though I THOUGHT I was handling the deployment just fine, I laid in bed until about 3:30am. And then Jason was up at 4:15 coughing and not sleeping. It was a fun night. So instead of napping with J while Tyler was at school, obviously I had to keep Tyler from school to go to the doctor.

So, the verdict...Tyler has bronchitis. Fun, huh? They don't think he has strep, but he does have irritation in his throat and nasal passages, as well as fluid in his ears. He has a rattle in his chest which they said they wouldn't classify as wheezing just yet, but they want me to keep a close eye on him. In the meantime he's on an antibiotic and has new medication for his nebulizer, which (knock on wood) he hasn't needed to use in probably 3 years and hopefully won't need to use. They gave it to me as a precaution so we can avoid any late-night hospital visits, which I thought was nice. Thankfully though, so far he seems to be doing just fine, and in fact was asking to go back to school. I would NEVER have guessed he had bronchitis.

The story doesn't end there, unfortunately. Because of Tyler's symptoms I called Jason's clinic as soon as they opened, and lo and behold, not a single appointment available for today either. So, after Tyler's appointment I got to drag both kids over to urgent care to have Jason looked at. They listed to his chest, looked in his ears, measured his oxygen levels, etc...and determined he just has an upper respiratory infection. Nothing is in his lungs at this point, which is great, but I'm to keep a close watch on him as well. Due to his age, they don't want to medicate him yet, but I'm to keep suctioning out his poor little nose and all that fun stuff.

All in all, it's been an overwhelming day. I've never been so displeased with Tricare (military insurance) as I was today, having to drag both boys to separate doctors and not even being able to get Jason seen by a pediatrician at all. To top it off, I got home and there was yet ANOTHER bill for Jason from the hospital. We have NEVER had these issues until the last 2 months, and now there seem to be issues everywhere! Thank goodness I took the time to write a lengthy and detailed letter last month and succeeded in having Jason's case re-routed back to civilian care, so as of February 1st at least both of my boys will be back at Tyler's pediatrician. It can't come soon enough!

Calgon take me away...

a short good-bye

Yesterday Al left for Afghanistan. Hopefully this will just be a short deployment as is currently scheduled. Obviously none of use want to see him go, but Tyler was especially upset. Luckily Tyler had off yesterday so that they could enjoy those last few hours together before he left around noon.

Al was able to keep Jason fairly happy, which was nice considering it wasn't happening for me. This deployment is happening at a seemingly bad time, considering both boys are sick, but I suppose there is no "good" time for a deployment, is there?

Tyler just couldn't stand to see Jason having all the fun!

Stay safe, baby...

congratulations

Congratulations to the Eagles. Even though they didn't win, they put up a great fight, and we were right there cheering them on (of course when I say "right there", I mean from the comfort of our living room)...

pretty sure it's a cold

I wasn't sure initially because the increased spit-up really had me leaning towards allergy, but I'm betting the increased spit-up is just due to congestion. Now he has yellowish mucus and is all stuffed up, so I'm fairly confident it's a cold. Don't get me wrong, I'm not happy that Jason has a cold, but at least I know that there will be an end in sight. Get better soon baby!

Tyler has the cough too. Only 4 days back in preschool and all the boys are sick again.

Could be a fun week...

would it be evil

if I admitted that I almost hope that Jason has a cold.

For the past 2 days he's been horrible. Barely napping, eating 'round the clock but often not a full feeding, often screaming, and sleeping horribly at night. He's all congested again and is coughing.

So why do I hope that he's sick? Because these were very similar symptoms to those that he experienced with his dairy allergy. I shudder to think how I will cope if I find out he's developed another allergy to something else? Is that even possible to develop a new allergy now? Unfortunately I'm pretty sure the answer is yes. I've done very good with my non-dairy lifestyle (as horribly boring and unfair as it is) and I'm just not sure I can add another group of foods (or should I say subtract another group of foods) from the list. Not to mention that I'm not even sure where I'd start to figure out what it is that is bothering him. I fear that it would be the end of nursing, which wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, except that he won't take a bottle to begin with!

So, for my sake (and Jason's sake), please, have this just be a cold. A very short-lived and non-pediatrician-visit-needed cold. Thank you.

clothing curiosity...

Today, as I sit here in my MixFest long-sleeve t-shirt, I realized that this shirt is REALLY old (as far as clothing goes). I know I was in college when I attended this festival, and I want to say it was maybe junior year, so we're talking 10 years ago. Don't get me wrong, there isn't much you can do or say to convince me to rid myself of some very sentimental items (aka: comfy 'round the house clothing) from my wardrobe, but I'm thinking a spring cleaning is in order.

I took a peak at my closet, and it's pretty full. I probably wear MAYBE 1/10th of it. Some of the excess is because I THINK that maybe, just maybe, the moons will align properly and I'll be back in a size 6, but lets face it, it isn't likely. Some of it is because it's nice clothing that I had when I was working and I just don't get a chance to wear it anymore. Some of it is that kind of clothing that you like, and looks great on other people, but then it just sits in your closet.

So, feel free to comment and let me know if you have any criteria for what stays and what goes. If it's beyond a certain age, does it go? If it isn't worn for a certain period of time, does it go? If it doesn't fit, does it go? Inquiring minds want to know...

ever wish you could stop time?

My boys are getting WAY too big. I'm sad.

Today I packed away Jason's very last 0-3 month sleeper and accepted that he really does need to wear 3-6 month stuff. He still fits in a bit of the clothing, but the sleepers had to go. Sniff, sniff. I'll really miss his itty bitty baby clothing, especially one little sleeper with a puppy face on the butt. I wish he had it in a bigger size, but I guess you gotta draw the line somewhere. Puppies on the butt aren't so cute at age 5 I suppose. I don't remember feeling this way with Tyler, but then again I was fairly certain we'd have another child, and this time I don't have that reassurance.

Today I had the realization that Tyler will in fact turn 5 this year and then go to Kindergarten. Kindergarten?!?! When in the world did that happen?

Pass the Kleenex....

toy overload and other activities

I'm not sure if I mentioned, but Santa left a few gifts back in Florida that were too big to make the trip from New Jersey. One of which was an exersaucer for Jason, which I'm pretty sure Santa got a good deal when buying it used off of Craigslist. He's a very resourceful man. I think Jason has a little bit more time until he grows into this. His feet don't even touch the ground on the lowest setting! He is pretty interested in it though.

Jason's happy to have his bed back. Umm, I mean my bed.

And he's really happy to be getting a taste of those fingers. If only he would suck his thumb. I'd be very appreciative.

Bathtime is always another good activity, and he really likes his bathtub here where he can splash to his heart's content.

Jason spent some time at his Bumbo seat as well, complete with play tray. Tyler got a kick out of Jason's toys as well. Who knew that a 4 year old could be entertained by a wooden caterpillar?


Tyler has been having a ball with all his gifts. So much so that he has only watched maybe, at most, an hour of TV in the past 2 days. This required no encouragement of mine whatsoever. He recently found this electronic toy in the pile, which embarrassingly enough, I'm not even sure where it came from (I think Aunt Kathy or Grandmom, but we can't pinpoint it..I normally keep a list so can write thank-you notes, but this obviously slipped through the cracks). It features Oscar the Grouch and it's a recycling game. Pretty cool, huh?

And after 4 years of parenting, this electronic book (with written words) that Marisa gave Jason has allowed my husband to finally learn some nursery rhymes.I'm so proud of him.

Last, but not least, Jason got to try out his new doorway bouncer, courtesy of Christmas money from family.